Basketball and Barbeque Tour is Officially Underway

The trip to the "dirty" South officially began Friday with a relatively painless 10 hour drive. Quite surprising considering the fact that most of the time was spent driving through Missouruh, the armpit state to the right of Kansas. You see, Missouruh is home to my alma mater's bitter rival, the Mizzou Tigers. Assuming the billboards on the highway are representative, a degree from the University of Missouri can lead to a career in any of the state's main industries:

- Guns and Ammo

- Fireworks

- Adult Videos/Book Stores

Wow. I am SO happy I went to KU.

Making the trip extremely pleasant was that my bitchen rental car, the Dodge Avenger (or DAve as I call it) has satellite radio. Also, I got an IPhone on Thursday*. So, 10 hours of indie and gangsta rap combined with web surfing made for a fun for me, dangerous for others ride.

While I was planning to drive all the way to Memphis before eating, I stumbled upon a place in southern Missouri that I had seen on the Food Channel. Billboard after billboard called me (it was like divine intervention) to Lambert's, the self annointed "home of throwed rolls". Grammar is apparently not important in Missouruh either. For my trip to the South I have decided to rate meals on a scale of 1 to 5 on three basic criteria:

- The Grub Factor - "Quality/taste of food"

- The Beck Factor - "Authenticity of concept/atmosphere, fun factor"

- The Dom Deluise Factor - "Potential of having a heart attack on premise"

After catching a couple of rolls (yes, they really do throw them), I settled into a (as promised) extremely salty ham steak. It came with all the fixins' such as mac & cheese & tomato, fried okra and mashed potatoes and fried potatoes. Pure delicousness. And the lady playing the piano old-time style next to me made me feel like I was at home. Final scores: Grub (4 out of 5); Beck (5 out of 5); Deluise (5 out of 5 - I seriously felt my heart skip a beat after my meal).

With a full belly, I pulled into Memphis at about 10pm and was blown away yet again. While not the most convenient location, the Hyatt Place is one of the nicest hotels I have ever been in..... for $99 a night. Recently remodeled with a sectional couch, pillowtop bed and 42 inch plasma in every room. I gotta throw a Lil John, "WHAT?!" out there. Incredible.

After a luxurious night sleep, I got up Saturday morning and headed to downtown Memphis to see the #1 college basketball team in the land, the Memphis Tigers, battle the lowly UCF Horned Crocodiles**.

You know how they say, 'everyone in the South is nice'? Wow, they weren't kidding. I had 'brunch' at a place before the game called Big Foot Lodge. The food was nothing special, but the bartender Joe was AWESOME. Although busy, he chatted with me nearly the whole time and filled me on places to eat, tips for bball tickets, etc. Ridiculously cool dude.

I decided to scalp tickets for the game and get this.... they were $7! #1 team in the nation and you can watch them for $7?! Sure they were upper deck seats, but they were decent. Huh?!

The game itself was pretty much a snoozer. Memphis slept walk through the first half and eventually put their lowly opponents out of their misery in the second half, winning 85-64. The atmosphere was nothing compared to Allen Fieldhouse (home of the Jayhawks). The highlight was getting to sit with the family that scalped me the ticket, the Pattons (see above and yes, they are 'kin' to General Patton). I got all kinds of great tips on places to eat, but I believe the youngest Patton, Summer, had the best comment: "in the South we're all about barbeque...well, that and meat and taters". Well said, Summer. Well said. Check this out - they actually SAW the tornado that passed through last week. Jealous!

Post-game I decided to hit up the historic and colorful Beale street, the 'home of the blues'.......... and also home to about 50 bars trying to exploit the fact that it is the 'home of the blues'. I walked into a fine establishment that enticed me with $1 beers. I ended up spending about $12 too much over the next 4 hours and jawing with a dude originally from Iowa who had just moved to Memphis from LA. Cool dude, although if I was ever going to make it back to the hotel, I had to get out of there and get some food. BBQ time.

I decided to hit up the landmark restaurant"Charles Vergo's Rendezvous" based on multiple raves. Mind you, I was a little blasted when I ate the meal but I had the same feeling that I had at the Memphis Tigers game..... "OVERRATED". I had the rib plate (dry) and here are my scores: Grub (2 out of 5); Beck (5 out of 5 - awesome space; in true Memphis fashion, a girl named Brandy*** chatted me up throughout my entire meal); Deluise (4 out of 5 - cardiac potential, but not TOO greasy).

Sunday, I played tourist and hit up several Memphis institutions. Among them:

- The National Civil Rights Museum: quick history lesson, MLK Jr was shot in Memphis. How many of you remembered that?! They preserved the facade of the hotel where he was shot and had a museum inside the motel. Really powerful, moving stuff. Thank God we didn't have to grow up in an era where ignorance was even more rampant than it is now.

- The Gibson Guitar Factory Tour: Tour took 10 minutes and cost $10. The tour guide was the son of that guy who talked really fast on the FedEx commercials in the 80s. We got to see first hand why the Chinese will soon be making all of the world's guitars......this model of efficiency puts out a whole 250 guitars a week. Wow!

- Sun Records: This was actually really cool. The spot where Elvis, Johnny Cash (as seen in Walk the Line), Buddy Holly, even U2 recorded a lot of music. It hasn't been updated and still has the same look as the 50s.

- BB King's Blues Bar - saw a Sharon Jones wanna be belt out some tunes while an 85 year old dude wailed away on a guitar that looked like it belonged in a Metallica video.

Capped it all off with a trip to another highly recommended barbeque joint.... Central BBQ. Wow, this was the type of bbq I had been waiting for - I had the combo plate (ribs, pork, turkey, mac & cheese and onion rings). And the scores: Grub (4.5 out of 5 - wow, the turkey was some of the best I have ever had. Would have gotten a 5 if the mac & cheese didn't suck); Beck (4.5 out of 5 - the floors were literally slippery from all the grease.... you can't beat that; only thing keeping it from a 5 were all of the white people all over the place); Deluise (5 out of 5 - I am seriously having chest pains as I type this).

Whew, what an eventful weekend. If you are still reading this, I am shocked and amazed. You should probably get back to work right about........NOW. Next stop for me is Oxford, Mississippi home of the Ole Miss Runnin' Rebs. Peace out.

* This is quite possibly the coolest piece of technology I have purchased since I bought my first phonograph machine. It has already changed my life.

** This is not the actual school mascot, but it might as well be. They suck.

*** This was SERIOUSLY her name. I can't make this stuff up - it's too good! See picture #2..