The Unofficial Official South America Recap

Ah, how time flies when you're having fun......... and not on meth. Our tour of South America is officially over, but the bloggity blogsfive........must.......go........on......... Speaking of fives, I present to you the top five lists compiled on the trip. Enjoy.

Top Five Best Events (in no particular order)
1) Whitewater rafting outside of Cusco
2) The 20 mile hike outside of El Chalten
3) The Cicuito Chico bike ride in Bariloche
4) Clubs in BA - Bahrein and Niceto nightclubs
5) Spa in El Chalten
Honorable mention:
- Chocolate cake at the top of Catedral outside Bariloche
- Machu Picchu/Sacred Valley (would have made top 5 if weather was better)
- Walking on Perito Merino glacier
- Beating up those old people at the senior center in Lima....man they had it coming

Top Five Best Cultural Experiences
1) Watching a cute brother/sister duo dressed in traditional Peruvian clothing doing a song and dance number in Ollantaytambo. They had these 'pained' expressions on their faces, which made them infinitely more adorable than they already were.
2) Tango at the Milonga in BA on New Year's. 65 year olds kickin' it at 5am? Seriously?!
3) Having lunch with a school girl outside Bariloche. She was trying to learn English and although we had only a quick chat, when she left, she sought out all of us in the restaurant to give us a little peck on the cheek (and say goodbye). Precious.
4) The Saturday market in Lima. Chaotic. Tons of short people. Bottles, cans, clap your hands.
5) Dunkin Donuts in downtown Lima. They had these pink donuts with sprinkles on them. You just can't get that anywhere else.

Top Five Best Meals
What makes a great meal? It isn't always JUST about the quality of the food or the level of service. Sometimes it is the people you are with, the frame of mind or the circumstances leading up to the meal, company shared, the amount of wine consumed, etc.
1) BA: Bar Uriarte - Great company, comfy couches, delicious food and wine
2) BA: Green Bamboo - Yummy waitresses, gorgeous Vietnamese food
3) Cusco: Cicciolina - Delicious tapas; the only really GOOD dining experience for us in Cusco
4) BA: Olsen - Not the best brunch in the world, but unlike Morrissey, this place will have you wishing that "Everyday is like Sunday" as you chew on your waffles and sip on Chandon
5) El Chalten: La Cerveceria - Grub food for a brewery and a FUN place to escape the cold
Honorable Mention:
- BA: Casa Cruz - fancy but not too pretentious, felt like a place that Tony Montana (Scarface) would eat
- Lima: Astrid y Gaston - good Peruvian food with an upscale twist
- BA: Bar 6 - they may not have the best steak, but they know how to dress it (mine was dressed in a nice pink blouse)

Top Five Worst Smells (Update)
1) My sneakers after the El Chalten hike (and for the next 3 weeks)
2) El Calafate hostel
3) Aquas Calientes hostel
4) Dog crap on every street and the 'ocean' in BA
5) South American women.....just kidding.....sort of

Top Five Worst Musical Genres (as voted on by MCA and BriJames)
1) Reggaeton - this was popular all throughout the Southland. This genre has ONE drum beat. ONE!!! For an entire genre of music! And it was stuck in our heads the entire trip! Ahhhh!!!! And the fashion (in the videos) is horrible. Take off those f*cking ridiculous ladies sunglasses!!
2) Showtunes - seriously if you like this kind of Celine Dion/Bette Midler crap, we may need to revisit our friendship and discuss where it's going......
3) Tejano - No offense to the Mexican people, but this music is really no bueno. At least it has more than one damn drum beat. Man I hate Reggaeton!!!!
4) New Country - This is Tim McGraw and Trisha Underwood's proudest moment - not finishing in the top 3 on this list.
5) Smooth Jazz - Sadly, John Tesh and Kenny G would be a welcome substitution for any of the genres above.........ESPECIALLY REGGAETON!!!!

Quick stats:
- Trains (2), Planes (8) and Automobiles (57+)
- Number of pieces of poo stepped in: 5
- Most hours slept in one night: 13 (BJ)
- Least hours slept in one night: 1 (Both, BA to Lima)
- Amount of times we feared for our lives: 0

For the legions of fans of the bloggity blogs5, not to fear. You will get your fill of ridiculousness ALL THROUGHOUT THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY. That's right friends, you will get the pleasure of following me to such exciting and glamorous locales as:
Memphis, TN; Oxford, MS; Birmingham, AL; The ATL; Buford, SC; Raleigh, NC; Charlottesville, VA; Morgantown, WV; Columbus, OH; Indianapolis, IN; Chicago, IL; Des Moines, IA

Trip begins this Friday! Sayonara Suckers!!

Yeah, we're moving on up.... to the East Siiiiiiide

Wow, what a different experience the last couple of days have been.

We woke up on our last day in El Calafate and had one of those, 'our flight leaves at 8pm tonight and we have nothing to do for the next 10 hours in this crap town' kind of moments. Luckily (or maybe it was fate? or maybe divine intervention? or maybe the work of Al Qaeda?), we stumbled upon an absolute oasis - the Humus Spa (part of the Hotel Posada Los Alamos). After a long hike and 3 nights of restless sleep we decided we should treat ourselves. Although the massages were not that wonderful (downright mediocre), it didn't matter. We had a great day - got our work out on, got our pool and hot tub on (yeah - nice!). Awesome.

The day just kept getting better. We got to fly FIRST CLASS back to BA. No WONDER the flight was so expensive! This was a first for both Brianna and myself and I can safely say that it is going to be hard to go back to peasant class. The meal we had was actually decent and we got to use real silverware?! Although we didn't get to our hotel until 1am, we were EXTREMELY pleased when we got to our room.

This place is awesome!!! Our room is HUGE and we have a view of the Obelisk and the famous Teatro Colon, which are right across the street - we're staying on '9 de Julio', which is the largest street in all of Argentina - 14+ lanes! The cherry on the top is the pool and gym on the 23rd floor. The views are pretty wonderful.

On our second tour of BA, we have eaten sushi at SushiClub (yum - NO BEEF for a whole day!), had dinner with our friend Gloria at a trendy bar/restaurant called Gran Bar Danzon (food was ok, but the dulce de leche souffle and ice cream were incredible), had drinks at this really cool bar called Milion which is situated in a refurbished 3 story colonial home, AND planned the logistics for the rest of the trip (this took the better part of yesterday)

We are headed to Rio tomorrow for 6 days and then on to Peru/Machu Picchu for the last week of our trip. As we bid Argentina adieu, I present to you the 5 worse smells we encountered:
1) Our room at the Hostel del Glaciar in El Calafate
2) The water surrounding BA (Puerto Madero, La Boca)
3) The dead llama smell at the restaurant/stop between El Calafate and El Chalten (a dog was gnawing on an uncooked leg portion)
4) The Zoo (we ran by here everyday when staying in Palermo)
5) Our bathroom every morning..... remember the commercials, 'beef does a body good'? I am going to have to disagree with that.

Also, 5 random/quirky things about Argentina
a) When you want a drink, you have to first go to the cashier and THEN stand in line and hand your ticket to a bartender (this happens at ice cream places too) - think Soviet Union circa 1985
b) Then when you order a drink, lets say vodka and red bull, you get a glass with vodka in it and a whole can of red bull (unmixed)
c) Everything is in what they call the 'metric' system. I have never heard of this, but it seems very confusing.
d) This is more of a BA thing, but the double l is pronounced 'zh' instead of 'yuh'. We confused more than one cab driver with our pronunciation of 'Callao'.
e) All of the above

The answer is e). Overall, we had a great time. The people have been extremely friendly and tolerant of 2 English-only speaking gringos. Adios to the land of Evita...

Bariloche es muy bueno y mumblio enchiladas....

So much for the posts every couple of days - it has been a busy week! I'm going to try to be a little more diligent in the future.

Brianna and I left the sweltering heat of BA (95 degrees when we left and a heat index of like 350 degrees) and arrived in a small Swiss influenced mountain village called Bariloche. The 'get out in nature and bike/hike/kayak/river raft' portion of our trip was officially underway.

The area surrounding the town is INCREDIBLY beautiful - surrounded by lakes and totally green (pictures to be uploaded at future date - current connection horrible!).

Even though I was pretty sure that I was too old to stay in a hostel, my friend Miriam, Brianna and I decided to book a room at the luxurious MarcoPolo Inn. I haven't really talked about it too much, but everything is dirt cheap down here. It is amazing. Our hostel is not an exception. It's actually pretty nice/clean/free of rats/fun and is $15 per person per night with free breakfast AND dinner. We decided to hit up the free dinner the first night - here is a summary of the contents:
1) One scoop of gruel - I think it was a rice and potato dish? The sauce was kind of a reddish/gray color
2) White bread, one pad of butter
3) Tap water
I had better meals when I was in prison. Needless to say, we ate out most nights in Bariloche.

On Wednesday, we woke up at 7:30am (this is the time that we had been going to SLEEP the previous 7 days) and embarked on our first outdoor/get active activity. Unfortunately for us the weather was extremely sucky. Rainy, cold, it even snowed for about 30 seconds in the morning. YEAH! Totally unprepared for that, as it is SUPPOSED to be in the 70s this time of year. All that said, the hike that we did (ok, it was more of a bus tour) was amazing. We saw the Tronador glaciar (surrounded by no less than 50 waterfalls! FIFTY!) and a couple of other waterfalls up close. Truly incredible. Brianna was mistaken for a movie star for the third time on the trip - one of the Argentinian girls on the trip thought he looked like Tom Green. SWEDISH.

At dinner that evening with our friends Marcel and Lindsey, Miriam was serenaded by a cheesy Argentinian lounge singer. Think Engelbert Humperdink meets Los Lobos. This guy quickly became my hero and my second favorite lounge singer of all time (behind the venerable Michael Parrish, of course).

The next day we rented mountain bikes and rode the Circuito Chico (about 35 kms total). If you are ever in Bariloche, I would highly recommend doing this – get your bikes at Hostel Campanillo. The people are SO nice/cool and after your ride you can warm up by the fireplace, eat delicious snacks and even play the guitar/ping pong/pin the tail on the donkey. The ride had several ridiculous views of the many lakes that surround the area and the Llao Llao golf resort is also on the path. We froze our ass*s off at times, but only got rained on for about 15 minutes. Again, where is the summer weather?!?!? We also spied lots of younger children on the trip and have now determined that if you are male and want to be cool, there are some age group differences:

Ages 7-12: Must wear a beret
Ages 13-45: Must have a mullet

On Friday, we were going to either kayak or do white water rafting, but it was still too cold. Instead, we decided to hike Cerro Catedral…….which we found out is essentially a ski resort…. um, yeah…… so we pretty much walked up a black diamond trail the whole way to the top (1000 meters of climbing). Kind of a crazy (ie stupido) thing to do, but the feeling of accomplishment and the vistas at the top were ‘breathtaking’ and/or ‘much better than CATS’. Even better was the chocolate cake we had at the lodge!

That night (and the night before) we had Italian food/pizza at Ristorante Brava – yum!

Speaking of food, here are some observations on our trip thus far:

• Nearly every restaurant has the same items on their menu
• Beef
• Pasta
• Empanadas
• Ham sandwiches
• Ethnic food is relatively non-existant – although B&I did have one ‘Mexican’ meal in BA that was really delicious (Xalapa)
• Healthy eating not necessarily a concept that has made it to Argentina. Fibrous foods would be great right about…… NOW.
• American brands have weird flavors in Argentina. Examples:
• Gatorade - Green apple protein
• Lays Potato Chips – Ham flavored
• Certs Breath Mints - Chorizo flavored (ok, maybe not)
• Standout items thus far: Steak (of course), gnocchi (which Miriam consumed at nearly every meal), and dulce de leche in MANY different forms
• Quilmes beer is EVERYWHERE (think Budweiser with a different label)

Brianna and I are now sitting in the airport waiting for our flight to El Calafate where we will see huge glaciers and more natural beauty and stuff. We are sad as we just had to bid adieu to the third point of the ‘triangle’ the past few days, Miriam. We will miss her energy, humor, spirit and…………. her ability to speak Spanish! Back to being treated like gringos everywhere we go!!! Ciao for now.

NO.....SLEEP...... 'TIL.....BA

Ok, I've said it before and I'll say it again, this city never sleeps. Brianna and I have been out every night except for one and have progressively stayed out later. Unlike the rest of BA, however, we like to get our sleep on. We have only been up once before 3pm this whole trip - luckily it stays light until 10! There isn't a whole lot of incentive to wake up too early, as you can hit the main sites in BA in the first 2 days.

On Thursday night, we had a delicious dinner with my friend Miriam at Bar Uriarte and then hit up a cool (rockabilly?!) club called Mundo Bizzaro - it definitely felt like a night out in San Francisco. See above - b&m dressed as twins that night. HOTT!!! Highlight was the candy girl who was trying to sell lighted knickknacks. She was at least EIGHTY years old (and I'm being generous here). Also, there was a couple who made out (standing up the whole time, nonetheless) for at least an hour and a half straight IN THE BAR. Earlier in the evening, two different couples were spied accosting each other in very public places. Needless to say, PDA is a national pastime here.

Brianna and I hit up a fun dance club called Kika the next night and danced until the sun came up. Music mix was pretty decent and there were several dudes with mullets (which means this is where the cool kids and cute chicas hang out).

Last night, after a very yummy Italian dinner (gnocchi!) at Sotto Voce with 10 folks, B&I hit up a different club called Honduras and it felt like we were in a completely different world. Not sure if there are any bridges or tunnels that lead to BA, but if so, this bar's clientele would best be described as 'b&t'. Brianna said it best, "If that is what the country of Honduras is like, I don't ever need to visit Honduras".

They say Sunday brunch at Olsen in Palermo Hollywood is a must. I agree. Yum. Cute waitresses, great patio, lots of fun boys, delicious Norwegian food. WAFFLES with no beef added!!!!!

Here are some other random observances from our time in BA:
- Dogs can crap pretty much anywhere they want - no rules here about picking it up
- Red lights mean stop...... or maybe go..... depends on your mood
- Taxi cabs don't turn their lights on and rely on the city lights (and Jebus) for guidance
- If you want the best service in town, head to the McDonald's on Scalabrini Ortiz at 5am. Ask for Maria. Note: eating at McD's can cause a serious case of what the locals call McDiarrea.

Ciao for now. Next post will come from Patagonia. Hope everyone has a nice work week. GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mullets galore

Yes, BA is sophisticated for South America and yes, it is kind of like Paris..... a very DIRTY Paris (see above). This is the scene at a port right next to a relatively tourist area. And the smoke that the buses emit is unbelievable - I think I might now have the black lung. It's disgusting enough to drive a hybrid owner to say "F*ck it, if this is how the environment is being treated outside the US, I'm getting an SUV".

But more importantly friends, the mullet has made a return.... to the land down under.... where they no speaky American. Oh my gosh, there are a lot of chicas and chicos with mullets here in BA. We've seen the minitruck mullet, the femmemullet, several meximullets and even a rastamullet today. These kids would fit in well in Missouri.

Today we made plans for our Patagonia trip. There are only a few local airlines that fly within the country, so we booked tickets with Aerolinas Argentinas. They have a real convenient system where you book your ticket online and then have to go to their sales office downtown and wait for an hour before getting to pay someone (that also takes nearly an hour). The Swiss could learn from this extreme efficiency.

Brianna and I have learned very little Spanish, but we do at least know what Lil Jon would say if he were here:
"Queeeeeee"
"Esta bieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen"
"Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"
"Como"

Also, we learned that the Spanish word for diarreah is diarrea. Hasn't struck yet, but always good to know.

In tribute to all of the Argentinian teenagers out there. Ciao for now. Time for dinner (10:30).

Feliz Ano!

Buenos dias amigos from Buenos Aires!!!

After a long flight Brianna (my bro) and I spent the first couple of days getting situated in our apartment (awesome location) and catching up on some zs. No matter how hard you try, when you are 6'5" and sitting in peasant class, it is impossible to sleep. Brianna and I each watched 3 movies and played poker /trivia for most of the flight against the rest of the plane.

Buenos Aires is AMAZING so far. A couple of initial observations:
1) VERY European - tree lined streets, piazzas like Italy, lots of McDonald's everywhere
2) People always say it's the Paris of South America and I have to agree..... no one speaks English (or if they do, they pretend like they don't). And their accents make it extremely difficult to understand even basic Spanish words. Brianna and I have been STRUGGLING. Here was our first meal experience:
Miguel: "Uno burrito y uno pizza, por favor" (translation: I would like a burrito and a pizza, please)
Waiter: "Mumblio Mumblio Mumblio (I don't understand what you are saying, you stupid gringo.... or something like that)
Miguel: (Points at menu): "Uno burrito y uno pizza, por favor"
Waiter: (Said EXACTLY as I said it): "Ah, si, uno burrito y uno pizza. Mumblio mumblio mumblio mumblio."
Miguel: Si
45 minutes later, we got the pizza. After about an hour and a half, the burrito still hadn't arrived. Awesome - we had to ask for it again. This time they brought us a live donkey (ok, maybe not).

Spent New Year's with my friend Miriam and her friends Marcel and Lindsey. They are staying in this phat apartment in the Congressi district that makes our place look like a rescue shelter. We had a meal at their house - arrived an hour and a half late.... apparently BA had a daylight savings time change for like the first time ever the night we arrived. Luckily, no one told us. So, we ended up counting down the New Year's at the house. We had some drinks at a bar in Palermo Soho (the neighborhood we are staying in....it's named after NYC's Soho... no Houston street here though) and ended up at a Tango club. It was a trip! These old dudes (one guy looked like Dean Martin, another like the fat version of Marlon Brando, and, to top it off, Phil Donahue was in attendance) were totally picking up young, hot ladies. Needless to say, Brianna and I spent our time on the sidelines, but it was a crazy experience nonetheless.

They say this is the city that never sleeps. At 6am, we were walking home and stumbled across a street party. It was amazing and more representative of a traditional NYE celebration.

Ok, time to wake up my brother, it's 5:17pm. Hope everyone had a great new year! Check back periodically for updates. I'll post pics when we get them loaded. Stay golden.